A Green Spin

On purging and singing

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In these two days I’ve deleted, thrown, cut up and screwed up and stamped on and purged so many familiarities so far, so many little fragments of my heart stored and invested away in material nonentities. A dress bought for me three years ago, and never worn since. A notebook filled with incoherency and scribbles. A stack of Christmas cards, old messages. Dated, 2005, 2006, 2007.

My room is not peaceful. I cannot be myself there, because there are little bits of the old me everywhere, little failures and tiny lost dreams and miniature self-hatreds. Here, is a jumper that’s never fitted me, a folder full of unfulfilled story ideas; there, is something I need to do. NEED and HAVE and MUST are stamped everywhere in bursting ink. Want and desire and hope lie curled in dusty corners, now peering behind unread books, now hidden from view.

Even my blog is full of writings that are not my own, advice written to uncaring hearts, memoirs written to downturned eyes. But the problem is me, the little voice in my mind that can’t escape. The voice that trembles and lies out of view, scared of failure, that quietly criticises myself and others without offering an alternative. Hidden voices. Hidden dreams. There are too many people I’m scared of. There are too many situations from which I shrink away. I do it today. I do it right this minute,  but the sad thing is that in years to come, only I will know my own failure. People have their own successes and failures to deal with, and I will mean nothing until I make myself something.

I have dreams that I feel I won’t be myself until I reach. But really, I’m that person right now.

Today, a few minutes ago actually, I read this. Castles in the Air: How to Self Destruct (I think this is better than ‘Completely Start Over’).

I like Point 1. Erase everything. There are a lot of old pictures I must let go of, right now, to keep my sanity. It’ll be difficult, but I’m sure it’s possible.

And I really, really like this point, whether anyone but I understands it:

Let me tell you something. Back when I first started Castles in the Air, with a simple wordpress account in April 2010, I was obsessed with tracking my statistics. I was a new blogger, I was eager to please, and I was also completely addicted, like a crack addict that needs her next line immediately, to keep that high going for as long as physically possible.

I erased all my writings from April to August 2010, which is 5 months’ worth of articles, along with 2 eBooks no longer available, and as a result, countless hours poured into it. Erased. Not archived. No back-up. No secret compartment online or on my computer that has them stored away safely. As if I’m going to say one thing and hide my true self by doing another.

Why did I do this? Why not just keep it up there for the world to see?

I don’t want other people’s approval for what I want to do in my life and what I am doing with my life. And that includes my past writing. For during this time, I was heavily entrenched in a life which was not making me happy. I was in a job I disliked heavily. I was not making good decisions. I was in a back-and-forth fight between my family over my life decisions.

 

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Written by Peppidee

March 21, 2011 at 1:56 am

Posted in Uncategorized

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